Saturday, February 9, 2013

Zeus McMooney: Under The Radar

He honestly didn't care what other people said. He wasn't entirely sure what he stood to gain from his little assault on the castle, but he knew his old companions had bad dealings with Mevolent. Heck, Jerry was dead. McMooney wasn't exactly happy with Mevolent for that whether he believed in the Faceless Ones or not. Zeus had zoned out. Erin hades Motionless had always had trouble keeping his mouth shut. He was zoning back in hoping to find a point to say something. "I think it was infected or something. Can you get infections there? Well, I guess you can get infections anywhere, and then I heard someone say 'Erin, I'm getting married', and I didn't know who could have possibly have spoken. Then I looked, and I realised Mr Twist was the only one near me and then I remembered that that was what his voice sounded like, so I jumped and was all 'hooray', but then he stopped speaking again and it was getting dark. I went to Disneyland about a week later. You ever heard of the great Disneyland massacre? That was me. People still adore Disneyland, though. I can't remember when I didn't like a good bit of Disneyland, apart from the fact that it opened after I was turned. Anyway..." Zeus zoned out again. This guy was really stupid. He looked over at Ebenezer who gave a withering glare.
"Erin!" Zeus snapped, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!"
"...Did you know the members of One Direction are sorcerers? Not Zayn, though. And one of them is a vampire, and they lock him up in a big cage-like thing at the end of a garden every night. I've seen it. It's a very good cage. The lead singer of R.E.M is a Mage as well. So was Walt Disney, and Matt Groening. And Greg Cipes."
"I don't know who that is, Hades."
"Hades is my middle name. You can call me Mr Motionless. The name Erin means 'Peace', did you know that? Unless you're a girl, then it means you're a girl from Ireland. If I were a girl, it would be very fitting since I'm Irish. Right?"
"Shut up."
"I like the name Aoife. That was Mr Twist's first daughter's name, but she died. Cot death. Very tragic. He has Rachel and Emily though. I think Rachel fancies me, which is odd since she's seventeen and I'm too skinny to be worth much. I look ill. Don't I look ill? Doesn't matter much, though. I'm a vampire. I just don't see what Rachel sees in me. Rachel is a nice name. Another nice name is Galina. Didn't you once date a girl called Galina? Mr Twist told me his brother once dated a girl called Galina."
"Wrong brother-"
"'Course, Mr Twist has too. Mr Twist dates a lot of girls. Well, he used to. Then he managed to stay with Niamh. He was a right womanizer before he grew that moustache. He met her at a Yoga class. Isn't that a fin place to meet someone? You should try Yoga. I don't like it much, it feels ridiculous, but Niamh sort of made me do it against my will. I think you'd like it though-"
"You don't know me."
"Ooh! Also pizza. Pizza is good. Niamh likes pizza and gay porn. Did you know cigarettes include cyanide and rat poison? I read that somewhere. I feel bad for anyone who smokes. And rats. Just because they don't have a bladder and trail pee everywhere, everyone hates them. It's not their fault that's how they're made. I had to live in a hole with a couple of rats for a week once. Luckily there was a supply of water. That's how I got this thin right before you turned me, actually. That was an unpleasant week. There were rats in my trousers."
"That's nice. Now-"
"And when I got out I was thinking 'lucky me, Mr Standard and Alison, oh how they'll laugh', but then a vampire bit me. That put a real crimp on my day, aside being starving and exhausted and for the most part really smelly. I mean, there are better choices for infected than I was then by far. The vampire who bit me must've been desperate of something...that was you, right Mr McMooney?" McMooney pinched the bridge of his nose. "It ruined a lot of things. I was dating Alison Quirk at the time...I miss her. She was nice. She did say I talk too much though. Do I talk too much? I don't think I do, but people say I do. I don't mind, though. They can have their own opinion. Did you want to talk to me about something?"
Snooke and McMooney perked up. "Yes. Mr Motionless, I did. I was wondering if you would be willing to help myself and a few other vampires storm Mevolent's castle."
"But Lord Vile...I don't like him...he's worse than mangoes, and I have a real debilitating phobia of those...I'll tell you what's nice, though. Elephant and banana toast."
"...okay...but he's not there right now..."


Harrison watched Vile and Vengeous return to the castle through a pair of binoculars. Dearth Damon-Dacey wrapped a yellow scarf around his neck and glared suspiciously at a duck. "Dearth, leave the duck alone."
"Belladonna said I was probably being paranoid, but I know one of them is watching me..."
"It's a duck."
"It's an Irish duck!"
"Oh jeez..."
Ekaterina cuddled closer to Harrison's leg and tossed her hair. "You're an idiot."
"It's a phobia of his, Kat." Harrison mumbled. "Hiberniandoantedophobia or something like that."
"You made up that name."
"I did, but it's a mix. Fear that somehow, somewhere an Irish man is watching you and the same for a duck...Dearth fears that somehow, somewhere, an Irish duck is watching him."
The girls laughed. Fred rolled his eyes. Harrison focussed on Vile and Vengeous and the castle. Dearth tried to ignore them and glare at the duck. Scaramouch leaned in close to Hibernia and whispered "I bet he's just jealous because the ducks make sexier men than he does." and Hibernia and Cadence cracked up laughing again.

Mevolent was well aware of that resistance in the sorcerer community. He just didn't know where they had been hiding. Thanks to Dearth and Cadence, he now knew. Alison Quirk was one of his best stealth operatives and could tell him now exactly how to get in, but it wouldn't be him she would show. It would be Lord Vile.


  1. No!!! Not that Lord Vile! Please tell me it's the Norwegian one!!!

    1. Haha, we're never going to stop this comment thread thing, are we?

      Not that comment thread...the Norwegian one.